Seventh April Reopen School (SARS)

While the world is still up in arms over the IRAQi War, along comes another global threat. It's abit like Saddam but a whole lot deadlier. SARS or Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome has already garnered more than 50 fatalities under it's belt with alot more expected as hospitals around the region come to gripes with the unidentified virus.

Less than a couple of hours ago, SARS has laid claim to it's 3rd victim right here in Singapore. With seemingly heathly people suddenly developing lung infections and dropping dead just by coming in contact with those infected, the populace here is on high alert. I remember less than a week ago, some SESDAQ traders were making fun of the diease. "Imagine if one of us gets it (SARS), the stock market in Singapore would crash!!!" said one as all his cohorts joined in the laughter.

That seems to be a possiblity now. Just imagine if this epidemic went out of control, we could be looking at losing more than half of Singapore's population overnight, thanks to the close proximity we live from one another. Maybe we should look to our leaders for inspiration, well our beloved "PM" is safe and sound in Japan where there are still no reports of SARS (thank god his safe).

For the majority of us who are stuck here (they call us stayers I think), and can't afford to quit Singapore, we have to be extra vigilant! Watch out for people who look feverish, have a dry cough, sneeze alot or basically look abit on the pale side and avoid them like the plague. For extra precaution, I'm bringing my surgical mask along with me now no matter where I go.

Speed, Thats What I Need!

I missed my Electronic Media Class today, no thanks to those JTC directors and their ever eminent CEO. I was locked up in the conference room of JTC's Main HQ, also dubbed "The Summit". From 4pm till 10pm, we listened individually to almost every JTC employee involved in the project as they commented on all 40 different PowerPoint slides separately. When I did finally get released, I had only one need, the need for SPEED!!!

Stage 1
Time: 2.54am
Location: Traffic Junction to CTE, heading towards Serangoon; Boundary Road, Singapore
Car of Choice: '91 Mercedes Benz E-Class 200 (Modifications: None, Showroom Model)

I had just dropped my friend off at her house after supper, while driving back I chanced upon a little Black Suzuki Swift GTi waiting at the junction to CTE. As i cruised alongside the heavily modded vehicle, I stole a glance at it's driver. Sure enough, it was some old bugger at the helm of the pocket rocket. The lights were still red, I wanted to see if the driver was game for a quick round of "tag". With Neutral engaged, I began depressing on my accelerator, making a loud growl as my 12-valve 2000 horse-powered engine roared to life. I glared at the driver this time, he seemed unfazed with the challenge presented to him.

Stage 2
Time: 2.56am
Location: 2nd Junction of Boundary Road after the CTE Exit.

The Lights turned green, with a quick switch of my automatic-transmission gear box, my car shot off like one of those "Tomahawk" missiles used to bomb Baghdad to kingdom come. As I steadily gained distance from the GTi, I noticed the car wasn't catching up with me. In fact, it was actually slowing down even more! Fustrated, I stopped at the second junction with the GTi directly behind me. Peering into my rear-view mirror, I could only make out the lower jawline of the driver. Somehow he seemed to be smirking? Ok, now I was pissed! This guy is going to smell my dust the moment green comes up.

Stage 3
Time: 3.00am
Location: 3rd Junction of Boundary Road (also leads to Serangoon Garden)

With a screech of burning rubber as my tyres dugged deep into the tar and catapulted my Merc foward. I thought I had left that sleeping GTi far behind. A quick look at my mirror and to my horror! There it was, with dimmed lights and a rather aggressive front grille breathing down my neck. Damnit, now he was serious. Passing the trafficlight junction, I was almost hitting 100km/h when I heard the familiar sound that accompanied the GTi while the driver was rapidly closing up on me. "BOOM!!!" and then "GRRRRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNN...." yes that was the lag followed by the sudden immense speed the GTi gained from a lethal dose of turbo-charged engineering and a fairly light-weight chassis. I pressed on harder hoping at least I will keep the driver at my tail the very least. But the GTi was way too fast, coupled with the incredible pick-up it possessed, the driver merely overtook me on my left and proceeded to allow me to see his rather intriguing tail-lights. I looked at my speedometer, it read 135km/h. The GTi was at least doing 150km/h to beat me at that pace and time. I cursed and sweared at why I ain't driving a WRX or EVO.

Final Stage
Time:3.03am
Location: Boundary Road Main Junction between Serangoon Central and Serangoon North

As i exited the main road, turning left to Serangoon Central, I caught a glimpse of the GTi again, the driver was still happily accelerating, obviously delighted at beating a Merc. I muttered a vulgar hokkien phase directed at that driver.

Moral of the story: German Precision is no match for Japanese Speed.

What's My Line?

Are we all sheep? And if we are, how would we know it?

So here's where our preconceptions apply: Young man, drives a Merc he shouldn't be able to afford, crashes it through a fence, lands on MRT track, an oncoming train crashes into his overpriced car while he escapes with Fugitive-like panache.

You must be thinking: Is this guy already embracing the notion of a 24-hour party lifestyle? Is he, like a missing lawyer, slightly ahead of his time? I bet that's what you're thinking.

I'll tell you what it means in a bit. The freak accident isn't the issue; what happened after that is the real event. The accident thankfully claimed no lives except for the car's insurance company. What it did was to disrupt the train lines for three hours, and caused all the poor souls who didn't lose their lives in the train to be inconvenienced.

And of course, if there's one thing that truly, madly, deeply bothers a Singaporean, is to be inconvenienced : God forbid we didn't lose our lives and now we have to queue up for a bus??!!

Ah yes the bus queue incident, which in an acute way symbolises our ugly selfish side, an irony so rich you could invest in it:

If you believe in a higher power, you must be laughing at that idea that, being spared their lives in a major accident, the savage passengers started to fight and shove their way into the emergency buses - and in the process could have injured and hurt themselves and others by jumping queues just so they can get home quickly and catch ESPN's Sportscenter update.

Not one person got down on his trembling knees to thank his lucky charm bracelet. Instead, they traded insults and abused the authorities for not providing enough quick relief. I believe enough was done short of sending army helicopters to ferry each passenger home, only stopping along the way to buy lottery numbers.

One hero emerged from this whole debacle: the man who risked his life to help Mr. 24-Hour Party out of his wreakage before the train caused his Merc to become a 4-D sensation. Personally, I think Mr. 24-Hour Party could have continued the theme and done a little car-top dancing while at it. But that's just me.

So why didn't our grateful Singaporeans queue up? Why indeed. Many theories abound, but to crystallise to this: They weren't told to. It's as simple as that.

No one thought to paint those helpful lines and arrows you see outside MRT doors, which direct you first to one side so passengers can alight and then next to your point-of-entry so you don't collide with the emerging human being infront of you. Things they don't teach you in school.

Without those lines, it's chaos! Without explict directions, it's anarchy! Without those lines telling the sheep what to do, we lose the plot and wander in the wild. We revert back to a primitive state of selfishness, where it's every caveman for himself.

I think deep down Singaporeans want to be told what to do. Is life here one big game of The Weakest Link? Where we have to stand around like private school boys, and try not to be too clever? If we don't comply, we're told off by the headmaster (or that vixen Gill), and we never get to answer back. We are quite happy to stand there until told to leave. Baaa?

The satirist Margo Kaufman was once told by his father: "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."

So how is it that we have become a nation of sheep? To paraphrase Ali G: Is it because I is stupid?

So don't get eaten, but being led around with the wool pulled right over our eyes can't be that exciting. And besides, if you can't see where you're going, one day you're gonna end up smack in the middle of the MRT track.

Letter of the WEAK

While most of you were probably enjoying your sunny "little" Saturday, I was cracking my skull trying to get the names of my China clients right. Bloody mainlanders have weird european names for their companies. Anyway I slogged till 6.30pm before my boss said I could leave. Yup, don't squint your eyes, I worked till 6.30pm on a Saturday. The irony of holding a dream job? Having a schedule from HELL.

Anyway...I received some email from fellow Singaporean Bloggers/Net Surfers/Porn Downloaders/Music Pirates and what have you's. Will try to attempt answering some *I meant 1* of them in this blog. Don't whine if I didn't read yours ok? I'm a very, very busy man.

Letter Number 1.

Helo!,

I saw your blog the other day from another link, muz say quite nice.
But i noticed you never mention anything about the current war can say y? - Wen Bing

Jack Replies: Salutations Mr. Bing, good choice of question, and rightfully so too. With the global spotlight shining down on IRAQ, it seems to be the talk of the town. From the ah chek at the kopitiam to those little critters in primary school, everyone seems to be shooting their tougues off about Mr. Hussein and his regiment. What's my stance you ask?

Now I'm just going to say this once, I'm against the war. Saddam is probably one of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen, he single handedly put his country on the world map during the Gulf War and defended it against Allied Superpowers. Now if that ain't role model material what is? A little prissy hiding in his dad's shadow trying to accomplish what his old man couldn't? Now Mr. Hussein is going to be killed just because he holds some harmless chemicals that can kill one fourth of the world population overnight. Where's the logic in that? I think we should give him a Nobel-Peace Prize and let him be the new spokesperson of the United Nations. Because he just found a permanent solution to overcrowding in certain countries and besides his way...way better than that "kopi arnortt" guy who is still a failure in negotiations.

Until next time, cheerios!

Job Satisfaction

I could'nt wait till Saturday to post this, because firstly...YES!!! I got a job!!! I'm no longer one of the 350 000 losers who are unemployed.

What job is it?
Ans: My position is PR consultant, I help my boss out with integrated marketing and PR strategies at WS Consultancy.

Who are the people there?
Ans: Not much, just my boss, MD, creative director and 3 other FEMALE PROs'

When did you get the job? and When do you work?
Ans: Just today!!! (the Americans celebrated my employment by bombing IRAQI forces at 10.35am Singapore time today) I went for the interview, landed the job and "POOF"!!! there I was thinking up a new proposal plan for a construction company's tender for building Singapore's 3rd International Airport Terminal. (How's that for a first assignment?)

Office Hours? what office hours? I start from 10.30am to...no time limit, oh yea...it's a 7 day work week,meeting clients, drawing proposals. We PR types never rest easy.

Where is your office?
Ans: 16 Shenton Way, yes we own the whole damned building. My office is on the 2nd floor with all the other consultants. And for the first time in all my years of working, I've been given internet access on my desktop, not just internet mind you...its BROADBAND!!! a really swanky chair and stylish table plus a brand new Hitachi Laptop round off my incredibly cosy cubicle. Ahhh...the joys of cubicle life, once only read in Dilbert now I'm living in it!!!

Why did you become a PR consultant?
Ans: Well I really wanted to bridge the gap between corporations and their clients, oganisations are now just employing fresh poly grads who know nuts about PR. And what we consumers get? "Half-baked crap!!!" commonly known as advertising. So I decided to enter the PR industry and hopefully weed out those pathetic excuses of a PR intergrated marketing plan. Injecting my own ideas and knowledge into the dying market in hopes of rejuvenating it. At the same time creating a society that is better equipped to guage MNCs on their merits and not their unbelieveable offers slapped loudly onto the media nowadays. WHAT??? you think I do it to meet the "chicks"? *Sniggers...*

How the HELL did you get a job like that? Can I be one too?
Ans: Through a recommendation from my lecturer. Dream on you mere mortals, only way your ever coming close to this sector is if you were reincarnated as a woman. *Evil Grin*

Viva La Hulkamania

I have not watched wrestling for quite some time now, sometimes all that mindless violence really just puts you off. But today I had the opportunity to seat down with my old man (well...he fell asleep like midway) and watch the final half of WWE's special "NO WAY OUT".

In today's main event was a re-match of sorts, featuring the "Rock" (of Scorpion King fame) versus the "Immortal Hulk Hogan". Well I know these guys are professionals, but its' really heartwrenching to see Hulk, a guy well into his fifties get beaten to a bloody pulp by a guy half his age. The old geezer was gasping for air or something, his face already turned a heinous blueish tint from the lost of blood. And yet he continued, much to the adoration of his "Hulkamanics". Finally the match ended when the "Rock" took a steel foldable chair and tattooed it onto Hogan's forehead. The impact caused Hogan to bleed profusely turning his blonde hair (or whatever was left of his hair) into a sea of red.

I really felt sorry for the poor Hulkster. While wrestlers his age are enjoying retirement, his still breaking his back in wrestling matches. I watched him since I was a kid, and 20 years later his still fighting. Sure he maybe slower and balding but his still the same old guy clad in his signature electric yellow and red with a boa around his neck. The man is like the "Energizer Bunny" he just keeps going and going and going, now thats professionalism for you. Anyway thats about all for today, be back next week!

Self Personification

It's been a week since I last posted anything, with assignments and projects due pretty soon, time has become an invaluable commodity.

Today marks an important date in my life, because exactly 1 year ago I was taking my driving examination, worried sick about whether my months of intensive training would have come to nought. Luckily I aced that test and now... I can finally lay that godforsaken "P"-plate to rest.

I'm still clamouring for a Subaru WRX or Mitsubishi Evo. Insurance companies practically won't even insure you if your below 25 (like me) drive a turbo-charged car (like me...I wished). Waiting patiently seems to be the only logical answer unless I strike the next $1.5 million in Toto. Oh well, got to go, until next week. Peace.

Days Go By...

Is Eminem right about techno-pop music? He's dissed Moby and the entire genre, but he's not alone. Even I admit the thrill is gone these days.

You remember electronica, or techno, or whatever term you used to describe it over the last decade? I do, and those memories are pretty sweet: Watching the Chemical Brothers engage in knob-twirling and fist-pumping -- a PC-era Wayne and Garth -- at a packed show. Instantly feeling elated by the mix of beats and hooks on any number of great singles -- Moby's "Go," Utah Saints' "Something Good," Underworld's "Born Slippy." The sound of John Digweed's "Heaven Scent" at the climax of the indie rave film "Groove." Paul Oakenfold's "Tranceport" album. And on and on.

The key phrase in the paragraph above is "the last decade," because at this point, the sad fact is that this once-vibrant genre has, like my computer on a bad day, frozen up. Not commercially, in an ironic turn of events: In 2002, we've witnessed two singles, Dirty Vegas' "Days Go By" and now Daniel Bedingfield's "Gotta Get Thru This," blend pop and techno into a pleasant, if inconsequential, middle ground between the two styles. But as nice as it was to hear those bleeps and bloops in "Days Go By" on 91.3fm, there's no denying that most of the thrill is gone.

The unfortunate reality is that a music steeped in constant change and reinvention has settled into some of its own ruts and routines. Staying the course, rather than innovating, is the current rule of thumb. After a five-year break, the Prodigy returned in the midst of 2002 with a new single, "Baby's Got a Temper." I've played it several times, and damn if I can remember much about it -- which sure wasn't the case with "Firestarter," and I don't just mean Keith Flint's reverse mohawk in the video.

There's still just enough to please the ear. Bent's "Programmed to Love" and Rinocerose's "Music Kills Me" albums were two highlights of the past year. Moby's underrated "Play" has many magical moments. And Layo and Bushwacka!'s new "Night Works" has its moments. But they're exceptions. Most of the rest, particularly the flood of DJ mix albums, feels stuck in time.

Anyone should have seen it coming, since pop genres tend to have roughly five-year lifespans. It's revealing that electronica and teen pop, both born of the clubhopping and affluent youth culture of the '90s, are running dry. With any luck, the music, like the economy it once mirrored, is simply going through a slump. "Rave Till Dawn," goes the title of an anthology in my mp3 collection. Maybe we're all realizing exactly how TIRED one gets by that time of day.

Ode to Retrenchment®­­

They said it wouldnt happen,
Tanjong Pelapas couldnt threaten.
With Marsek and Evagreen exiting.
We suddenly were left siting.

But guess what PeeSA did,
when I opened my mailbox lid.
You're fired it printed.
Reading it my eyes rolled and I fainted.

25 years I have served,
and in a second i was off the turf.
News spread like wild,
the 800 of us never cried foul.
Nary a whimper from a soul,
or else the Gahmen will give us a blow.

In the following week,
BG flee addressed what we seek.
Standing there pointing his hand,
like a rock star without a band.
"You have lost your Iron Rice Bowl",
"It ain't my problem it's yours, so?".

Here I am siting in the agency,
Unemployed wearing something fancy.
Hoping soon that I get a job,
or from the roof of my flat i will flop.

- Jecht Poems™

[The names and references used have been changed or edited, similarites to anyone/any organisation, living or dead is purely coincidental and is deeply regretted.]

How To Wreck Your Car From The Inside Out

Tired of lavishing loving care on your pride and joy? Wish you could trash it to bits? Here's 10 tips to drive your car onto the highway to destruction.

(1) Lanuch it over speed bumps as fast as you can. Knacking the shocks, springs and suspension bushes is a great way to improve rattling within the interior. Slowing down is for wimps.

(2) Bouncing your foot on and off the accelerator when on the expressway. That way you will be putting extra strain on the drivetrain, at the same time wearing out gears and joints.

(3) Forget about servicing it on time. Not only does this save money, missing servicing is a sure way of sending your car to an early demise. Fluids expire and things wear out, futhermore you will also prevent snoopy mechanics from spotting and fixing early troubles. Just add another zero to that 10,000km service interval and wait for your car to grind to a halt.

(4) Use household detergents to wash it. These will strip off the paint's clearcoat, causing it to fade with time. Mild shampoo or plain water are strictly for car-loving wussies.

(5) Balance it on slopes using the clutch pedal and accelerator. Not only does this show off your massive clutch controls but it will murder the clutch linings, too. The handbrake is only there for handbrake turns.

(6) Rest your left foot on the clutch pedal as you drive along. You'll cause it to slip slightly, and before you know it, the clutch will be gone. And your left foot will be rested nicely after the drive.

(7) Use low Revs all the time. Changing up real soon or refusing to drop down a gear as you slow down will have your engine sputtering as it strains to lug the car forward. That should bring on early fatigue.

(8) If it's an auto, stick it to Neutral and coast to red lights. Getting your gearbox all upset as the different shafts in it are all rotating at hugely different speeds, thus guaranteeing future failure!

(9) Crank the steering wheel all the way to the max when parking or doing U-turns and Hold it there. Do this right and you should hear a faint hiss from under the engine bay. Thats the power steering pump crying, "Enough! I can't pump no more!".

(10) Drive as hard as you can before the engine's warmed up. Engines suffer most when they are cold: some parts need to heat to expand to their proper size, and lubricants are all gooey when cold.



Hint: This guide has 2 other retrospectives to it. One's the opposite of what it was meant for, while the other...Well... Let's just say the clue can be found in step (10) and if you re-read the entire article again in that state of mind you will get it. That's right you dirty lil' bastards :P Enjoy!!!