How To Wreck Your Car From The Inside Out
Tired of lavishing loving care on your pride and joy? Wish you could trash it to bits? Here's 10 tips to drive your car onto the highway to destruction.
(1) Lanuch it over speed bumps as fast as you can. Knacking the shocks, springs and suspension bushes is a great way to improve rattling within the interior. Slowing down is for wimps.
(2) Bouncing your foot on and off the accelerator when on the expressway. That way you will be putting extra strain on the drivetrain, at the same time wearing out gears and joints.
(3) Forget about servicing it on time. Not only does this save money, missing servicing is a sure way of sending your car to an early demise. Fluids expire and things wear out, futhermore you will also prevent snoopy mechanics from spotting and fixing early troubles. Just add another zero to that 10,000km service interval and wait for your car to grind to a halt.
(4) Use household detergents to wash it. These will strip off the paint's clearcoat, causing it to fade with time. Mild shampoo or plain water are strictly for car-loving wussies.
(5) Balance it on slopes using the clutch pedal and accelerator. Not only does this show off your massive clutch controls but it will murder the clutch linings, too. The handbrake is only there for handbrake turns.
(6) Rest your left foot on the clutch pedal as you drive along. You'll cause it to slip slightly, and before you know it, the clutch will be gone. And your left foot will be rested nicely after the drive.
(7) Use low Revs all the time. Changing up real soon or refusing to drop down a gear as you slow down will have your engine sputtering as it strains to lug the car forward. That should bring on early fatigue.
(8) If it's an auto, stick it to Neutral and coast to red lights. Getting your gearbox all upset as the different shafts in it are all rotating at hugely different speeds, thus guaranteeing future failure!
(9) Crank the steering wheel all the way to the max when parking or doing U-turns and Hold it there. Do this right and you should hear a faint hiss from under the engine bay. Thats the power steering pump crying, "Enough! I can't pump no more!".
(10) Drive as hard as you can before the engine's warmed up. Engines suffer most when they are cold: some parts need to heat to expand to their proper size, and lubricants are all gooey when cold.
Hint: This guide has 2 other retrospectives to it. One's the opposite of what it was meant for, while the other...Well... Let's just say the clue can be found in step (10) and if you re-read the entire article again in that state of mind you will get it. That's right you dirty lil' bastards :P Enjoy!!!
Tired of lavishing loving care on your pride and joy? Wish you could trash it to bits? Here's 10 tips to drive your car onto the highway to destruction.
(1) Lanuch it over speed bumps as fast as you can. Knacking the shocks, springs and suspension bushes is a great way to improve rattling within the interior. Slowing down is for wimps.
(2) Bouncing your foot on and off the accelerator when on the expressway. That way you will be putting extra strain on the drivetrain, at the same time wearing out gears and joints.
(3) Forget about servicing it on time. Not only does this save money, missing servicing is a sure way of sending your car to an early demise. Fluids expire and things wear out, futhermore you will also prevent snoopy mechanics from spotting and fixing early troubles. Just add another zero to that 10,000km service interval and wait for your car to grind to a halt.
(4) Use household detergents to wash it. These will strip off the paint's clearcoat, causing it to fade with time. Mild shampoo or plain water are strictly for car-loving wussies.
(5) Balance it on slopes using the clutch pedal and accelerator. Not only does this show off your massive clutch controls but it will murder the clutch linings, too. The handbrake is only there for handbrake turns.
(6) Rest your left foot on the clutch pedal as you drive along. You'll cause it to slip slightly, and before you know it, the clutch will be gone. And your left foot will be rested nicely after the drive.
(7) Use low Revs all the time. Changing up real soon or refusing to drop down a gear as you slow down will have your engine sputtering as it strains to lug the car forward. That should bring on early fatigue.
(8) If it's an auto, stick it to Neutral and coast to red lights. Getting your gearbox all upset as the different shafts in it are all rotating at hugely different speeds, thus guaranteeing future failure!
(9) Crank the steering wheel all the way to the max when parking or doing U-turns and Hold it there. Do this right and you should hear a faint hiss from under the engine bay. Thats the power steering pump crying, "Enough! I can't pump no more!".
(10) Drive as hard as you can before the engine's warmed up. Engines suffer most when they are cold: some parts need to heat to expand to their proper size, and lubricants are all gooey when cold.
Hint: This guide has 2 other retrospectives to it. One's the opposite of what it was meant for, while the other...Well... Let's just say the clue can be found in step (10) and if you re-read the entire article again in that state of mind you will get it. That's right you dirty lil' bastards :P Enjoy!!!
posted by Jecht at 12:58 AM
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