What's My Line?

Are we all sheep? And if we are, how would we know it?

So here's where our preconceptions apply: Young man, drives a Merc he shouldn't be able to afford, crashes it through a fence, lands on MRT track, an oncoming train crashes into his overpriced car while he escapes with Fugitive-like panache.

You must be thinking: Is this guy already embracing the notion of a 24-hour party lifestyle? Is he, like a missing lawyer, slightly ahead of his time? I bet that's what you're thinking.

I'll tell you what it means in a bit. The freak accident isn't the issue; what happened after that is the real event. The accident thankfully claimed no lives except for the car's insurance company. What it did was to disrupt the train lines for three hours, and caused all the poor souls who didn't lose their lives in the train to be inconvenienced.

And of course, if there's one thing that truly, madly, deeply bothers a Singaporean, is to be inconvenienced : God forbid we didn't lose our lives and now we have to queue up for a bus??!!

Ah yes the bus queue incident, which in an acute way symbolises our ugly selfish side, an irony so rich you could invest in it:

If you believe in a higher power, you must be laughing at that idea that, being spared their lives in a major accident, the savage passengers started to fight and shove their way into the emergency buses - and in the process could have injured and hurt themselves and others by jumping queues just so they can get home quickly and catch ESPN's Sportscenter update.

Not one person got down on his trembling knees to thank his lucky charm bracelet. Instead, they traded insults and abused the authorities for not providing enough quick relief. I believe enough was done short of sending army helicopters to ferry each passenger home, only stopping along the way to buy lottery numbers.

One hero emerged from this whole debacle: the man who risked his life to help Mr. 24-Hour Party out of his wreakage before the train caused his Merc to become a 4-D sensation. Personally, I think Mr. 24-Hour Party could have continued the theme and done a little car-top dancing while at it. But that's just me.

So why didn't our grateful Singaporeans queue up? Why indeed. Many theories abound, but to crystallise to this: They weren't told to. It's as simple as that.

No one thought to paint those helpful lines and arrows you see outside MRT doors, which direct you first to one side so passengers can alight and then next to your point-of-entry so you don't collide with the emerging human being infront of you. Things they don't teach you in school.

Without those lines, it's chaos! Without explict directions, it's anarchy! Without those lines telling the sheep what to do, we lose the plot and wander in the wild. We revert back to a primitive state of selfishness, where it's every caveman for himself.

I think deep down Singaporeans want to be told what to do. Is life here one big game of The Weakest Link? Where we have to stand around like private school boys, and try not to be too clever? If we don't comply, we're told off by the headmaster (or that vixen Gill), and we never get to answer back. We are quite happy to stand there until told to leave. Baaa?

The satirist Margo Kaufman was once told by his father: "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."

So how is it that we have become a nation of sheep? To paraphrase Ali G: Is it because I is stupid?

So don't get eaten, but being led around with the wool pulled right over our eyes can't be that exciting. And besides, if you can't see where you're going, one day you're gonna end up smack in the middle of the MRT track.