If you thought ‘Can I be your fran?’, ‘Wan’ to register for flat?’ or ‘Eskew me, are you a model?’ were bad, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

TOP 20 ALL-TIME MOST CONDEMNED SINGAPOREAN PICKUP LINES

1. Can I buy you a glass of Newater?

2. Hello, Kitty.

3. Didn’t I see you last week at SDU Headquarters/Communicable Disease Centre/Desker Road?

4. Hi, I’m an entrepreneur and I think we can do big business with each other.

5. Weren’t you in a slimming center/Oxy 10/hair weaving ad?

6. Would you like to come with me to a Young PAP meeting?

7. Can I borrow your EZ Link card? Because I want to take you places.

8. I’m an NSF on a mission. Can you tell me how to topo to your house?

9. Xiao Meimei, yao chi tang ma? (Mandarin for “Little girl, want some candy?”)

10. I’m on a PSC scholarship for love, and I want to be bonded to you.

11. Come up to my place and I’ll show you my collection of bubble tea straws.

12. Hi, I’m a local talent.

13. Let’s go to my house and watch reruns of V.R. Man.

14. Hurry up, go out with me. I only put 50 cent coupon.

15. I want to be quarantined… with you. (alternatively: Going out with you will make me break my quarantine.)

16. ‘Eh, your wedding ring real or not, ha?

17. Go out with me, lah. I promise to give you part of my liver.

18. I’m a stayer, not a quitter.

19. My handphone is smaller than his.

20. I got 4 A stars, you know.

Top 10 Things I learnt From My Trip To Sydney, Austrailia.

10. Burger King over there is known as Hungry Jacks.

9. Austrailians' love to begin each sentence with a "yea".

8. Their public transport all spot one uniform colour, white!

7. Going for a stroll is known as a walkabout in Ozzie twang.

6. Seh Ho Mo Kuai, still racists!

5. Their number one selling car brand there is Holden...

4. Proportions of food you order for yourself there can feed two at least.

3. Drivers on the opposite lane drive at one side mirror's length away from your car, while the buses just eat right into your lane forcing you to reverse.

2. "Singapore" labelled food doesn't necessarily mean they taste/cooked the way you know back home.

1. It's freakin' cold, the koalas I saw looked like they were on crack, and I think our "durian" looks way better than the opera house.

We Are Jin Kang Kor

A Very Special Edition of my normal posts, this is to commerate our nation's independence day. I have gathered 60 traits of what makes us uniquely Singaporean, enjoy!

1. Thanks to SMS, you have an extra large thumb.

2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel n e mor.

3. You pat MRT and bus seats to cool them before you sit down.

4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.

5. Your wedding photos include shots of you dressed up like Louis XIV, Michael Jackson, or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic.

6. When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need to adopt an accent. (If you’re a DJ, this happens even when you’re not speaking to foreigners.)

7. You won’t raise your voice to protest policies, but you’ll raise your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty.

8. You’re forever talking about businesses you want to set up but will probably never get around to starting.

9. You don’t know ¾ of the people attending your wedding.

10. You separate food into 2 basic groups: ‘heaty’ and ‘cooling’.

11. You’re never completely sure how many times you’ve sung the second verse of the National Anthem.

12. You think that what makes you ‘married’ is not the legal registration but whether you’ve thrown a 12 course dinner.

13. You marry for the real estate breaks.

14. You have kids for the tax advantages.

15. You move to where you want your child to go to school.

16. You feel you can’t walk around naked in your own flat.

17. You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes, but pray they won’t wind up in Arts later on.

18. You suddenly realize you’re very interested in biotech - just like you suddenly realized three years ago that you were very interested in e-commerce, and before that, engineering, and before that, medicine and law.

19. You think being an entrepreneur is setting up a bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop right next to an existing bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop.

20. You think people are inconsiderate when they don’t leave their table immediately after eating at the food court but think you have every right to take 25 bites to finish the last red bean in your ice kachang.

21. You find it impossible to make suggestions without drawing a fishbone chart first.

22. If you’re a guy, whenever you get together with your guy friends, you invariably trade army stories.

23. If you’re a girl, whenever you get together with your girl friends, you invariably trade stories about how your stupid guy friends are forever trading army stories.

24. You think the most important sporting event in Singapore this year was David Beckham switching from Manchester United to Real Madrid.

25. You somehow feel that food tastes better when eaten by a longkang.

26. It actually makes a difference to you being called an ‘NSMan’ rather than a ‘Reservist’.

27. You’ve eaten more times at the Esplanade than you’ve actually seen shows there.

28. You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous, to flush toilets, have sex, etc.

29. When you visit the Zoo, you wonder what the animals taste like.

30. You feel the urge to add the suffix ‘-polis’ to everything, viz. Biopolis, Airtropolis, Fusionopolis, Entrepolis, etc.

31. You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive to far away places for supper.

32. You meet in hotels a lot.

33. Your children have a rudimentary knowledge of Tagalog or Bahasa Indonesia.

34. You work at McDonald’s when you’re old rather than young.

35. You’ll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to great lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even a few cents on a parking coupon.

36. Pork floss and mayonnaise on bread is a completely natural combination to you.

37. If you’re pregnant, you have the strange ability to make people on the MRT fall asleep instantly.

38. You ask for the bill by miming a signing movement.

39. You’ve started referring to foreign employees as ‘talent’ instead of ‘expatriates’.

40. At the dinner table, you’re always discussing which other food places serve better versions of what you’re eating.

41. You copy down licence plate numbers of cars involved in accidents.

42. You think your boyfriend doesn’t really love you unless he gives you part of his liver.

43. During sales, you book hotel rooms near malls to enable you to shop more efficiently.

44. You pronounce the letter ‘R’ as ‘ah-rer’ and the letter ‘H’ as ‘haytch’.

45. No matter how old you are, you keep associating people with their secondary schools. (alternative: No matter how old you are, you secretly need to know what other people got for their PSLE, O levels and A levels.)

46. You’re always on a quest for the definitive version of your favourite local dish.

47. When you explain things to people, you keep (a) using alphabets, and (b) speaking in point form.

48. You believe that you can generate ‘creativity’ through rules and committees.

49. You ‘chope’ a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.

50. You’re very forthright with your criticisms of the Gahmen, unless there’s a chance they might actually hear you.

51. You diligently track the whereabouts of your favourite hawkers, i.e..you know that the famous Tiong Bahru Bao is now in Jurong, the famous Outram Char Kuay Teow is now in Hong Lim Centre and the famous Lau Hock Kien Hokkien mee from the old Lau Pa Sat is now at Beach Road.

52. Your mother probably can’t speak your ‘mother tongue’.

53. You’d rather drink your own pee than pay someone more for water.

54. You secretly find that the best part of the Speak Good English Movement is hearing the Singlish bits in their ads.

55. You have an automatic sensor in your head which categorizes people you meet into stayer/ quitter, cosmopolitan/heartlander, normal/ express/ gifted, etc.

56. You think we’re living in a modern, sophisticated country even when our leaders still insist on wearing their school uniforms.

57. You wish your constituency is in a walkover, because otherwise it’s damn ‘leceh’.

58. During elections, you decide that there is no credible opposition even though you don’t know the name of the opposition candidate in your constituency.

59. You think having a constitution is like the condition you get when you don’t eat enough fibre.

60. You can never quite remember what “the core values” of Singaporeans are.